https://slama.dev/comeback/
That's it.
The taste of my childhood.
Just like grandma's?
Just like the school cook's.
Monday cabbage stew, Thursday bread pudding, Friday dumplings pork and sauerkraut.
You could count on it.
Hey.
Didn't you go to the concert?
There wasn't one.
Nobody showed up.
Let me pour you some cabbage stew.
No thanks.
Can you believe it?
Ukrutor was playing.
Ten years ago people would've killed to see them.
And today?
Four of us showed up.
Ziza, Pytel, Metlos and me.
Come on bro, be glad for four.
Look, Borek Janda had a concert in Kosice and only his mom showed up.
I keep telling you, young people don't go.
Don't look at me, metal makes me hiccup.
Because you don't have the right genes.
So we've decided with the guys that we won't let this go.
We'll reproduce.
With the guys?
Wait, you want to find a woman?
No, we're donating sperm.
Let's go, Tomas.
Good, good.
I told you, get a haircut and you'll look younger.
But you forgot to tell me my ears would stick out.
You're so funny, Tomas.
Otherwise I've got everything done.
I just need to count the register.
How's Ozzak doing?
Stop.
An hour ago some lowlifes burst in and took him away.
Another concert maybe?
They kept yelling "Operation Reproduction," then they asked me where the maternity ward is and they were gone.
Ozzak has lost his mind.
It was unbearable with him.
All day he ate celery, listened to "I Can Do It."
And squeezed this.
He'll embarrass himself again.
Bums like that shouldn't have children.
I thought it was a crazy idea too.
But he wouldn't be talked out of it.
So what?
The sperm donation thing.
Jesus.
I thought they just went out to drink to someone's baby.
If only.
Ugh!
Three people.
And I even put up a poll.
Iva, I don't understand why you're so worked up.
Why?
I sit at it every day, my back hurts, I bought a Czech spelling dictionary to keep the quality up and nobody reads it.
Hey, you've got nine views here.
That's my most successful article.
How Vohacek got his finger stuck in a chastity belt at Kokorin.
Iva, we promised him that if he cleaned the blackboard for a month, we wouldn't tell on him.
Relax.
I wrote Horacek.
Why?
No real names.
That's what you do on blogs so nobody recognizes who you're writing about.
And what am I?
Plasanda.
And Lexa?
Mr. D.
Why Mr. D?
Not Mr. D.
Mr. as in Mister and D as in Dimwit.
If I just wrote Dimwit, someone might recognize him.
Hey, someone's commenting on this.
Oh, a comment.
If you're as boring in real life as your stories, no wonder you have to be friends with Plasanda and Mr. D.
Jerk.
I'll delete that.
This is pathetic.
Incredible things happen to everyone except me.
Your dad's famous now, write about him.
He's not famous.
And he's boring.
He's not boring.
Sure.
A guy who wears a blazer at home, watches old TV variety shows every day and whose biggest thrill is bread pudding, that's a real draw.
Ivuska, wouldn't you like to move to your room?
That's exciting, isn't it?
Yes, we'd like to watch.
Sasa.
Once...
And twice in the morning, Jirinka.
We're here now.
Apparently.
Uncle.
Don't be alarmed.
Mr. Pacovsky will be fine, right, Mr. Pacovsky?
Thanks.
I can manage now.
Sorry, sorry.
He should rest and...
Drink plenty of fluids.
My God, what happened?
I had no idea reproduction was such hell.
I already had the cup in one hand and in the other...
Iva, wouldn't you like to move to your room?
A number.
And I was waiting for my turn.
No.
And from that moment on, one disaster after another.
First they called Pitel from the bank, that he's having some crisis and if they let him go, he'll come right over.
From the bank?
Yeah, he's a director there.
He's only a metalhead on weekends and holidays, that's why we went on Saturday.
Then Metlos says he can't do it, so at the hospital the nurses help out.
That's nonsense, right?
It's not, she came.
But when Metlos saw her, he bolted.
Man, I'd rather wait in your room.
You'll manage.
Then poor Ziza.
During the examination they found out she's a woman.
What?
Yeah.
Poor thing, after all those years in pubs she'd completely forgotten.
At least the guys in the men's room will stop making fun of her.
So I was left alone.
And then?
After the fifth sample he was banging on the door, saying I should stop, that my sperm is weird.
Apparently they keep swimming in circles and bumping into each other.
Well bro, you did what you could, at least you tried.
The doctor says they're short on donors, that I can come again.
I just can't drink for three days.
Terrible, right?
So I asked if it would be possible for the sperm to be sober and the rest of the body could keep drinking.
The doctor said it could be done.
By castration.
So I said, okay then.
You agreed.
Yeah.
Good Lord.
I let them talk me into not drinking for three days.
And then it hit me.
You look good.
What are you doing here?
I'm having a baby.
Finally.
Zbynek must be thrilled.
I kicked Zbynek out of the apartment.
Good God, why?
Because he cheated on me.
What?
So who's going to be the father?
Your gardener?
I broke up with him too.
Why?
Because that's exactly who Zbynek cheated on me with.
I'm so happy.
I've already set up the nursery.
It's all in ivory and completely soundproof.
So who's the father?
Do I know him?
No.
I don't know him either.
I'm going for artificial insemination and it's just around the corner.
Isn't that great?
How wonderful.
Ozzak, where are you?
I was about to call the police.
Hi, Mom.
How come you're not in school?
It's Saturday night.
Mom, you're smoking?
Sometimes.
Last time you smoked was when Dad went to get the Christmas carp and came back two months later for the furniture.
Have you seen Ozzak?
Sasa saw him.
Where is he?
At Marik's.
At the Rotunda?
Sasa said that...
Come on, it's like pulling teeth.
Sasa said that Iva said that Mr. Ozzak said he won't be drinking for three days.
And that he hopes you'll understand.
Three days, you say.
Mom.
Listen, you're old enough, so I'll tell you straight.
If I don't go through two kegs, I won't get paid this time.
So Lexa, put out the "last resort" sign.
Mom.
Last time I saw that, I couldn't sleep for six weeks.
And you'll be coughing again.
Right.
You're not helping me, kiddos.
Then tell them at school that she's serving alcohol to minors.
I want to tell you, and that's why we're here, that I'm firmly against Ozzak quitting drinking.
Why?
Because you weren't here when he glued his mouth shut with superglue.
What's on his hands?
Go on, brag about how you carried on.
He was acting like a madman.
Bro, don't exaggerate.
What?
So I'm exaggerating.
First he heard voices, then giant bottles were chasing him, and finally he trashed the apartment.
That fridge was still under warranty, so what?
Well it isn't anymore.
At least it's not boring.
I want boring.
Boring is better than public endangerment.
And besides, I'm saying this for Ozzak's sake.
It must be a terrible shock for his body.
Yeah, that might be true.
Wouldn't he rather gradually reduce his intake?
What's the big deal, all of you, for God's sake, I can surely last three days without drinking?
Uncle.
What?
You're opening a beer.
What?
Beer.
What are you writing?
A little diary.
It's good that you're writing it on the computer.
At least no stranger can get to it.
Pavel Hornik also kept a diary.
He kept carrying it around and once forgot it in the locker room.
His classmates found it and after that everyone called him Pervert.
Hey, uncle.
How was the night?
Terrible.
I couldn't fall asleep all night.
And when I finally did, I dreamed that bees were crawling all over me.
Oh God, it's starting.
And you were right, bro.
I heard voices.
They were calling me to the pub.
Yeah, that was Simona behind the door.
I've already told her to stop.
I see.
Hey Iva, aren't you going to school?
Hey, yeah yeah, just putting this on the blog.
Ivuska, what kind of language is that?
What's it like having your mouth glued shut with superglue?
Sucks.
What?
Who told you?
Me.
Bye then.
Goodbye.
Here it comes.
That's not for us.
That's weird.
I could swear someone ordered a beer here.
We just arrived.
Then I'll just leave it here for you.
No, no, no, thank you.
I'll have tea.
But it's full of vitamins and fiber.
We'll have coffee.
Cappuccino.
I'll make you a Bavarian.
What's that?
Well, it's got lots of foam too.
Look what I bought yesterday.
Your Name Means Success?
If it's a girl, she'll be Dominika.
And if it's a boy...
Originally I thought Patrik, but Zbynek would be better.
You're divorcing Zbynek, right?
Exactly.
It's out of spite.
Here you go.
Wait a moment.
This is beer.
Warm beer.
Well, Bavarian.
Simona, take this away and bring us a proper coffee.
You people are something else.
What's with her today?
Don't you want to reconsider?
No.
Zdenicka, think about what kind of person goes to donate sperm.
It could be some sweaty hairy primitive, for example.
That's exactly what Zbynek told me.
See?
Have you teamed up with him?
Is that what this is?
No.
This is exactly like that time we were deciding whether to buy a dog or a crocodile.
I only said a poodle would fit in the car better.
Maxime, am I your friend or Zbynek's?
Yours.
It doesn't look like it.
Want milk in that?
Fine.
Hey.
What's this?
Ozzak disappeared for the whole day and then brought this.
Even Vincentka, huh?
For all of you too.
This can't end well.
Relax.
How can I relax?
Before lunch some guy in a suit showed up, said he's Pitel from the donor bank and congratulated Ozzak on his second night without drinking.
And?
How could he know?
Maybe Ozzak told him.
He read it on the internet.
He showed me this diary where some Opossum writes about stuff happening at our house.
That's some kind of nonsense, right?
Everything matches perfectly.
Just the names are different.
Ozzak is Plzak.
And they call me Bambelin.
Dad, come on, are you some kind of Bambelin?
Right?
People are laughing at you on the internet.
It could be someone else.
You think?
Uncle, should I put the rest in the fridge?
Watch out for the fridge.
You beast.
Did you call Zbynek?
Zdenicka, I... You told him to grit his teeth and get me pregnant himself.
I'm trying to save you.
From what?
From your own irresponsibility.
What's irresponsible about having a child?
Can you imagine what it's like raising a child?
Alone at forty, without a husband, without a gardener.
I managed Benik, I'll manage a child.
Sure.
And what if Benik eats it, like that basset hound in the park?
Benik goes to the zoo.
And I'll turn the terrarium into a bathtub.
Will you get rid of the child too when there are problems?
But what problems could there be?
I was a model child, actually.
Maybe you, but what about the father?
What if it takes after him?
They said the donors are screened.
Really?
Take a look at this one.
He's donating sperm too.
He's screened too.
See?
They'll take anyone.
Simona, tell my brother not to worry.
I'll get rid of that fridge, it won't be polluting the air anymore.
An eco-warrior who listens to opera?
Definitely better than Zbynek.
My God, what happened?
He attacked the fridge.
I told you so.
Is he okay?
Yeah, he just bruised his freezer compartment.
Yeah, but I came up with a plan for Ozzak.
I gave him a sedative, but I don't know how long it'll last.
Hey, Dad, could you describe in detail what happened here?
We're being bugged.
Today I heard two girls at the bus stop talking about us.
You're completely paranoid.
Paranoid?
They knew Ozzak tried Vincentka yesterday and they laughed that Bambelin is hysterical over some stupid fridge.
Stupid!
It cost fifteen thousand.
So I told them that Bambelin knows what he's doing.
Dad, calm down.
Who would be bugging us?
What if someone just read your little diary?
Jesus, couldn't it be some other family where similar things happen?
You think?
Sure.
You wouldn't happen to have a photo of Ozzak with the fridge, would you?
No, why?
Hello, I have a message for Mr. Plzak.
You must be Bambelin, right?
Greetings to champion Plzak.
Hey buddy, we're all rooting for you, don't give up.
The inmates of the addiction clinic in Bohnice.
Wait, how did they find us?
Well, we're not allowed to have computers, but...
We swiped the head nurse's Nokia and got Linux running on it.
They think they can lock us up.
In the nuthouse, take our computers and keep us off the internet.
Wait.
Are you crazy?
No.
I'm a genius.
Oh God.
The alcoholics from our ward are huge fans of yours and wanted to know if you actually exist.
So I hacked the provider and through the IP address I found out everything's being written from here.
From this computer.
You must be the Opossum, right?
Iva, you're the Opossum?
Bambelin!
This is exactly how I imagined you.
Completely clueless.
You've represented us to the whole world.
Only a few people read it.
A few people?
You're a total hit.
186,522 views.
Is everyone going to call me Bambelin now?
Dad, don't get upset.
Nobody will recognize you.
What are you doing?
I'm taking your picture with the Nokia!
I'm a genius!
Why are you photographing us?
For my blog.
Opossum and Bambelin.
People will be clicking like crazy.
Anyway, I've gotta run.
You know, I don't have outing privileges today.
The guys just threw me over the fence.
Keep going, Opossum!
Hang in there, Plzak!
Don't give up, Bambelin!
Why did you flinch?
I wasn't expecting you here.
Who were you expecting?
I see.
My little beer and...
Don't call me that.
Is there someone else?
No.
I can feel it.
Do you have another woman?
I don't have another woman.
I just needed...
What?
A break.
Coward!
You can't even tell me to my face, man to man, that you've got someone else.
I don't!
No?
Then what's this?
It's so...
humiliating.
Everyone knew you were cheating on me and nobody told me.
Red.
Leave me alone!
When you think about everything I've given you, how I kept you afloat, every time you were at rock bottom.
And what did you give me?
I can't stand these hysterical scenes of yours.
Leave me alone.
Then let me say something too, damn it.
You think I'm doing this for fun or what?
The doctor told me to quit you.
And because you're listening to him, when you never listened before.
Jesus Christ, because I have a...
So what?
I have a mission.
Sure, that's you men, you start cheating and suddenly it's a mission.
Don't take it personally, this isn't about you or me.
It's about...
About what?
About metal.
You're doing this for metal?
Yeah.
And what would you be willing to do for me?
Anything.
Like what specifically?
Whatever.
Would you quit drinking?
Yeah.
Liar.
Want me to prove it?
Wait, wait, what are you doing?
No wait, for God's sake, don't do it.
No no no, look, you're not pouring that out, you're out of your mind.
I don't know what to do.
Without you everything around me seems ugly.
People are nasty and calculating beasts.
Music screams weirdly instead of being properly loud.
And the world is hostile.
Complicated.
I can't be without you either...
I really can't.
I won't make it.
Honey, you'll make it.
Honey, don't cry, don't cry.
I can't even be without you for three days.
Now it's only one more day.
But it's so terribly long.
You'll make it.
At least then you'll look forward to seeing me.
I already am.
Every time I do it, I close my eyes and pretend it's you.
Does that help?
No.
Remember when you...
Once at Easter you talked me into climbing St. Vitus Cathedral and ringing the bell.
The archbishop chased you all the way to Snely.
He was waiting for me.
And then we stole a tram and drove our buddies right to their buildings.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I couldn't have.
But I definitely wouldn't have driven it all the way to Petrin.
But you did.
Because you're good.
And you'll get through this too.
Definitely.
Okay.
I'll fly to you right after the doctor.
I'll wait for you.
Where?
I'm hiding in the fridge under the carrots.
That's clever.
But it's cold and dark in here.
The fridge is a bitch.
Come on, I'll warm you up.
But no drinking.
You know me.
As friends.
Touch my tap and you're out of bed.
Now you're going to go.
And you'll write on the internet that Bambelin was right.
You know what?
Because Plzak really did lose it and trashed the whole apartment.
And then Bambelin lost it and ripped the keyboard off the computer.
It's your fault, you were encouraging him.
And all you cared about was your clicks.
Hello, Mr. Pacovsky, could we hide at your place?
Why, what's happening?
Mom closed the pub because of Mr. Ozzak and now she's home with us.
She's taking care of us.
She says she has to make up for what she missed.
Yesterday we played Sorry until five in the morning.
And since six we've been playing hide and seek.
See what you've done?
Hello, is Mr. Ozzak here?
Ozzak?
Mr. Pitel from the donor bank sent me.
Pitel.
The boss is waiting downstairs.
Now?
It's a weekday.
It's weird, we were supposed to go to the government meeting, but he said he's coming here.
He'd rather let the currency fall than metal.
Metal?
Sure.
Can you stand up on your own?
I'll manage, don't worry.
And if not, the nurse will help me.
Iva?
What?
Are you writing something?
Yeah.
You know what we agreed on?
I'm writing a school report.
On the loss of privacy in the digital age.
Thank God.
These diaries are a dangerous thing.
Pavel Hornak once forgot his in the locker room.
After that we all called him, well, I'll tell you when you're older.
After those donations I was a bit weak in the knees.
And when they figured out what was going on, they gave me an IV.
And if you're wondering how it turned out, the doctor said he'd never seen such wild sperm in his life.
They nearly knocked over the cup.
You're one tough guy.
That's what the nurse at the donations said too.
Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty.
You saved my whole paycheck.
Let's drink to that, shall we?